Cyber Week: Bring Home the Bacon!

If a million years from now a future race finds nothing left but catalogs, what would they deduce about our civilization? What would they think of beings who invented Bacon Soap? I stumbled upon an online site aptly named Perpetual Kid, and it instantly became one of my favorites. Browsing it is sheer hilarity, and I bet you end up finding something you can't resist. Often I wonder who would use these things. Bacon Soap, for example. Oooh. Oooh. I know! How about a guy trying to impress a girl whose dog doesn't like him? Unless her pooch is a pitbull, this could work. 

Their Waffles and Syrup Soap is something I would buy. Who wouldn't want to smell like waffles, butter and syrup? A humane solution if you need to wash your kid's mouth out with soap...and an adorable gift for foodies. Perpetual Kid has a selection of sillly, succulent soaps including Hot Dog & Bun and a Double Stack of Blueberry Pancakes. Prices range from $3.99-$6.99.

Who knew bandages could be a creative gift idea? Perpetual Kid has everything from Pickle Bandages to Sushi Bandages to Bacon and Egg Bandages. Why not put a sunny-side egg on a scraped knee?! And there are the ever so sweet Boo-Boo Kisses Bandages. Awwww.
 
The goofiest (and maybe most practical) gift item on Perpetual Kid is their "Anti-Theft" Plastic Lunch Bags. Don't you hate it when you pack a sandwich, stash it in the company fridge and have it snatched by a nefarious co-worker? Well, fear no more! Just pack your sandwich inside one of these plastic bags, and it will be disguised as a moldy gross sandwich. (Who came up with this?!) 25 anti-theft bags: $9.99.


DIVA UPDATE
All my friends who use bar soap LOVE the Absorbent Soap Dishes from The Discount Cupboard. Only $2.99 each, these are made of a stone that sucks up the glop from bar soap and makes the bar last forever. The Diva uses them for her Dove Soap, and it lasts for months. And it's good for the environment to use bar soap rather than the liquid that comes in plastic bottles! Holiday gift basket idea: get some Blueberry Stack Pancake soap from Perpetual Kid and pair it with an absorbent soap dish from The Discount Cupboard!

How to Lose Weight and (maybe) Get Rich!

I want to look like the perky gal over there. Truth is, I wasn't built like that even when I was built like that...  It is almost Thanksgiving, and if I don't do something about my weight, I will have to buy clothes in the next size, which is Petite 16. This is an oxymoron. There is nothing petite about a Size 16!  (I call this size Jumbo Shrimp.) As a Lifetime Weight Watcher member, I'm convinced that if I return on January 1, confetti and balloons will fall from the ceiling as they announce that I have started over more times than any Weight Watcher in history. Hooray! Without members like me, they'd be out of business. Have you tried the new Weight Watcher Red Velvet Snack Bars? I have. 16 of them in one sitting.

So I am back to wearing my Omron HJ-112 Digital Pocket Pedometer, walking 10,000 steps a day and eating sensibly. A pedometer is a good fitness motivator, but I have another surprising suggestion to help you - or someone you love-get moving. A few years ago I met a wonderful woman at the Pritikin Center who had lost lots of weight with the 10,000 steps a day/eating right program. But she had trouble getting her overweight husband to walk. She would drive to scenic spots; he would sit in the car. Then she got him a METAL DETECTOR. He got hooked on finding treasures: watches, jewelry, old coins. She walked, he walked, and (naturally) he ended up losing more weight than she did! 

A metal detector is a great idea to get kids going, too. You can find cheapies, but you usually get what you pay for. Consider quality American made products such as White's Metal Detectors which start at $200-300 for basic beginners and go up. Try a hobby store for good products and advice. There are detectors for different terrains, such as beach, woods and concrete or urban environments. Click here to see a selection of Books on Metal Detecting. A book with a detector would make a unique (and possibly life-changing) gift. I read one story about two kids who found an $11,000 diamond ring with a very inexpensive detector--on their first outing. Maybe you can get rich and thin at the same time! At least you can have fun trying.

SkyMall Fever

They say those infamous Northwest pilots may have been on their computers when they overshot Minneapolis. I disagree. I think they were either reading their SkyMall Catalogs (who doesn't?) or they were using something they had previously purchased from the SkyMall Catalog: the $199.99 Feng Shui Compass. "Using advanced aerospace guidance technology, it locates and calculates supportive energy fields...to align your physical surroundings to manifest your goals and intentions." I do not make this up.

The device takes your birth date and applies astrological and "geological" data to plot your personal "positive energy flows" in four categories: relationships, health, success and growth. SkyMall reviewers claim this karma chameleon changes lives. One business owner says it helps him sit in the right seat in the board room for important meetings. (I always thought that was the seat nearest the bathroom.) Travelers say it assures them their hotel room is facing one of their "good directions." Thus they get a better night's sleep, even if they have to sleep diagonally on the bed. (I just take the bed nearest the bathroom.)

My theory is that both Northwest pilots whipped out their Feng Shui Compasses to fly the plane toward their positive energy fields--but these were in conflict. Senior pilot was aiming towards a hot former Flight Attendant sipping Mouton Rothschild by the fireplace of her St. Paul townhouse. The co-pilot was yearning for a meaningful relationship with a nimble pole dancer lounging diagonally on a pillowtop bed in Vegas. Dueling Feng Shui compasses cause cockpit turbulence. That's my theory, and I'm sticking to it.

Diva Update
My husband's plug-in coffee commuter mug has ceased working after three weeks. What were we thinking? We're returning it. Carol Wright Gifts says it gives refunds with no questions asked, but counting the cost to ship it back, well, it was not one of our best decisions. I should start facing my catalogs in a more positive direction--probably closer to the bathroom.

CLOCKY: Genius or Demon?

I am not a morning person or a night person. I'm at my best from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m, which I think makes me a brunch person. If you have a tough time getting out of bed, morning becomes electric if you have CLOCKY, the alarm clock that runs away, forcing you to chase it down to shut it off.

You really must hear and see CLOCKY in action. Please turn up your speakers and watch this brief video. (If you have trouble viewing, go to YouTube and search for CLOCKY.)



You can click right here on Amazon to get a CLOCKY for $34.95. According to reviews, people who collect clocks and timepieces love it. But just in case, I would send your recipient an additional gift such as the one pictured on the left, which you can purchase from Wright Tools-a Made In America company. CLOCKY might be perfect for you or someone who needs a kick in the a.m. But if I had to wake up to CLOCKY, I would want to smash it to smithereens. Then again, smithereen smashing gets your adrenaline going, too.

Readers, what is the most ridiculous gadget you have ever been given or seen? Please share in the Comments section!

Not Easy Buying Green

Not only isn't it easy, it's expensive to be green. Although my husband insists dirt is dirt, true gardeners know this isn't so. You need compost--rich stuff full of decaying matter and earthworms and earthworm poop to make your garden grow. My green friends have discreet kitchen compost pails on their granite counter tops. To these they add their banana peels, egg shells, coffee grinds, and other food scraps. When it's full they dump that into the big Kahuna composter outside. It gets heated, turned, worms appear and eventually, you have transformed your leftovers into compost that makes your soil more fertile than OctoMom.

Worms are the creative core of compost. I have tried everything to attract them to my garden. Just like my dog knows I am not the alpha, worms know I am not a natural born greenie. Remember how the Tribbles went nuts when they got close to a Klingon? That's what happens when worms get near me. I have tried buying boxes of them, digging holes and covering them up, but they always worm out of it. Sometimes I think I can even hear them laughing as they tunnel to the neighbor's verdant plot; little teeny worm snorts. Living in a townhouse gives no room for an outside contraption. So I resort to buying bags of compost from Home Depot.

Tonight in my Gardener's Supply Company catalog, I saw the ANSWER: an Electric Composter that makes the goods for you. Just throw in the scraps. It does it all: the heating, the turning. No odor. You can even keep it inside. $349. If I can't afford it (and I certainly can't), I always think it's great. Then I went to the website and looked up the customer feedback. Not good. 4 of 5 reviews basically said that the electric composter stinks--in all senses of the word.

This is the yin and yang of shopping online. You can get honest reviews, but sometimes they are dream-killers. I mean, look at that photo. So seductive. I instantly saw myself simply scraping my dinner plates into this petite poop-producing powerhouse. By dessert I would have an endless supply of black garden gold.

Alas, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. This old saying rang in my ears as I re-read the harsh reviews from the suckers people who had actually bought this mechanical marvel. Once again proverbial wisdom and a little research saved me from buying or recommending something stupid.

However, all is not lost. My Wireless Catalog arrived, and it has the perfect gift for wanna-be greenies like me: a nifty reusable grocery bag for only $12.95. Made of 80% recycled plastic bottles, this literally green bag is decorated with a pastoral scene. But like the best of the Wireless items, it also puts you in your place with humor. It is imprinted with a large flow chart that says: BUY REUSABLE BAG...Pat yourself on the back for your good intentions...FORGET REUSABLE BAG IN CAR...REPEAT...Tomorrow's another day to save the planet.

Then as I was about to publish this post, I made the dire mistake of watching the news. Obama's on his way to Asia, the country is hemmoraging jobs, etcetera. I went back and did more research. I discovered that there are several websites that direct you to companies whose products are made in America. Wow. Could I get credit for a double mitzvah (good deed) by promoting American employment and doing a small thing to save the planet?

What do you know? I did find a company that makes reusuable bags here. It's called SexyOldBag.com. They make bags (in two sizes) out of stretchy material that expands to fits tons of groceries and stuff. And they are washable! The bags are $3.99 and $4.99. Shipping is $4.95 for 1-4 bags. One "sexy" testamonial said a jumbo bag could fit an entire 24-pack of mega rolls of toilet paper plus more while still allowing you to hold the handles together.Take that, you flat-bottomed, non-expandable, made-in-China bags! Yeah, there is irony in cutting down trees for Charmin while trying to save them with reusable bags, but irony is us.

This sets up a new Diva poll. Should I try to find more American made items to include in my picks and pans?

You vote while I go look for the laughing worms.

Don't Aaargue with Pirates Who Give Directions!

Fake flowers on top of antennas used to work. But when car antennas disappeared, so did sensible low-tech solutions to a common problem: how to find your car in a parking lot. This dilemma is exacerbated by being over age fifty forty and by the fact that every damn car is taupe. Who came up with that color for cars? If your car is taupe, it has a permanent cloaking device. The color forecasters probably got together with the GPS geeks to devise a parking lot hell in which we all walk like zombies, dazed and confused. How to escape? Of course, we need to buy something. I think that's what GPS stands for: "Go Purchase Something." Something that would fit on a keychain. Something with a chip. Something like the pictured Bushnell Homing Device. It's available in lots of catalogs and even at Target. This gizmo helps you find your way back with an "easy-to-read arrow." No clicking your heels necessary.

Yes, GPS really stands for Global Positioning Satellite, and these gadgets somehow lock onto satellite signals that know where you are and where you've been and tell you how to get where you're going. Our kids gave my husband a "Tom-Tom" GPS for his car. We did have fun when he programmed it with a Pirate Voice, which told him to turn "starboard" or "head to port, Matey!" But eventually I began to arrrrgue with the pirate. My spouse soon unplugged the GPS, although I know he would have preferred to unplug me.

The Bushnell Homing Device sounds slick, but to me, anything with the word "compass" in its directions is terrifying. I simply pick out a landmark I can easily remember and park near that. Starbucks, for example. There has got to be at least one of those nearby. My internal GPSS, as in "Go Purchase Something Sweet," always directs me. Mocha Frappuccino Light in summer; Gingerbread Latte in winter. Ah, sit in my taupe car and savor the sugar.

I confess, however, that it is demoralizing when you can't find your car. This summer the Von's checkout guy was helping me with my cart. Here was this teenager following me, and I couldn't find the car. After about 20 minutes of circling the aisles and stammering with embarrassment, I finally located my taupe Camry, parked next to several other taupe Camrys. The kid took pity on me and said, "Don't feel bad, lady. Yesterday I walked a woman around for a lot longer. Then she remembered she didn't drive here at all. She walked." Do I need the personal homing device so I won't become that lady?

Genealogy Kits & Slankets

Time to slip into my Slanket: the blanket with sleeves that is so easy to make fun of...but you know you want one, don't you? For tonight my Hammacher Schlemmer Catalog has arrived! Now I can take a trip to Hammacher Schlemmer World. There I can turn on my $5,000 iTunes Jukebox and sip my Blackberry Kiwi Arbor Mist from a Breathable Wine Glass. (Set of Six, $149.99) Unlike traditional decanting methods that require up to 2 hours to let wine breathe, these 100% lead-free crystal glasses undergo a proprietary process that allows oxygen to pass through and aerate wine in as little as two minutes. The Schlemmers are no schlemiels when it comes to the good life.

But the item that most intrigues me this year is The Canine Genealogy Kit. For $59.99 the kit analyzes your dog's DNA and identifies the breeds of its ancestry. All you have to do is rub the enclosed cotton swab on the inside of your dog's cheek and send it back in the provided envelope. The lab sends you back a genetic profile of your dog. You get a certificate listing your dog's ancestry with a detailed explanation of each breed's dominant characteristics that likely have been passed on to your pooch. Is this great, or what? Yes, this is the perfect gift for a person who loves a mutt.

It also begs the question: why can't they have a kit like this for humans? Why can't you just swab your prospective mate's cheek and get a detailed analysis? Wouldn't you want to know if your beloved might inherit his Uncle Stephan's hirsute back and even worse: his habit of lifting up his shirt and asking young women to scratch that hairy thing at every opportunity? What if you knew your girlfriend could inherit her Aunt Elsa's inexplicable propensity for clicking her toenails in bed?

There are human DNA genealogy kits already on the market. But they only tell you possible races, tribes, geographical info. They are not refined enough to tell you what you really need to know: i.e., if a future spouse may eventually exhibit the behavior of that cousin on his father's side--the one who invites everyone out to dinner, then takes out his calculator to split the check, asking probing questions like, "Who had the extra Diet Coke? Didn't you know the Prime Rib wasn't on the Early Bird?"

Such empirical evidence could have serious quality of life implications. Furthermore, this could open a whole new field of genetic personality counseling. And God knows we need more jobs for grads who majored in psychology. With Human Personality DNA kits, perhaps we could approach something that the folks at Hammacher Schlemmer offer on every product: a Lifetime Guarantee of Complete Satisfaction!

I have no doubts that we will eventually see these "Ancestral Personality Trait" DNA kits. If science and fashion can join forces to invent a blanket with sleeves, anything is possible.

You know you want it. I won't tell anyone. Click here and get your SLANKET at Amazon!

Me an Einstein? Just Kidding!

I am really, really sorry about the Einstein thing. In one of my first posts I claimed that I married an Einstein (with photo evidence). For years I hoped fantasized about the royalties that go to the Einstein Trust at Hebrew University in Jerusalem. But wouldn't you know it? I stake my claim, and Disney announces it's giving refunds to parents who bought Baby Einstein DVD's! People thought sitting their babies in front of the DVD's would make them geniuses, and this may not be true. As Goofy would say, "Garwsh!" A parent watchdog group lawyered up and got their class action suits in a bunch. Disney caved. Or maybe they figured that not that many parents who sit their infants in front of the TV are likely to be conscientious enough to repack DVD's and send them back for refunds.

But you can't blame parents for thinking their kids are smarter sooner. Have you seen the "4-D sonogram" photos of babies still in the womb? Saturday night a woman showed us one of her expected grandchild. She had the amazingly detailed pic on her iPhone. My smart aleck husband stared and asked, "How did you manage to get the phone up there?" She didn't laugh. But I did. Which is why we stay married. When we found out we were having twins in the early 80's, our black and white sonogram snapshot looked like a negative of two eggs over easy or the Shroud of Turin. Ah, but technology marches ahead! If we can get instant gratification, why can't our babies get instant illumination?

Don't blame me about the Baby Einstein kerfuffle. My kids warned me. They said all along that if they had Einstein genes, they should have scored higher on their college boards. What did happen to the Einstein genes? I found the answer on YouTube. (Is there anything you can't find there?) Click on this link: Talking Parrot Einstein. It doesn't take a genius to see what happened. The genes crossed species like the bird flu. If the link doesn't work, just search YouTube with the words "Talking Parrot Einstein."

Diva Updates
The plug-in coffee mug from Carol Wright Gifts came and so far works great. My husband arrives at work with hot coffee after a half-hour commute. I also recommended the Absorbent Soap Dish from the Vermont Country Store. This soap dish is made out of some sort of pumice stone and really works. No more gooey soap, and the bar lasts forever! I swear on my Diva domain. Unfortunately I discovered that the VCS only has one color left and seems to be discontinuing the item. But I found an online catalog that has it in lots of colors and cheaper. For the Absorbent Soap Dish, go to The Discount Cupboard.

For refunds on Baby Einstein, don't look at me. When my kids were babies, I read them one book over and over. I think it is one of the best kid's book ever written: The Monster At The End of This Book. This book made my kids what they are today: perfectly good enough for me!

Meanwhile, if any women want to discuss a class action suit on the "someday my prince will come" thing, let's talk.