A Christmas Miracle

I am not a big vitamin person, but I am superstitious, so I buy Airborne and take it whenever I fly. Why not? It was invented by a teacher. I never understood the logic in advertising this fact. When I was a teacher, I was sick constantly. The only immunity was a snow day. The only chemistry I found useful was the peanut butter solution: i.e., a large glob of peanut butter will remove a large glob of gum from a student's hair. Still I take Airborne when I fly and still inevitably get sick as soon as I arrive at home. (Maybe it only works on outbound flights. They should do a study.)

This holiday season I was going to visit my sister in Baltimore, but I decided that with the H1N1 stuff, I would stay in sunny CA. I missed my sister's birthday and seeing my great-niece in a terrific off-Broadway production of Annie. (It was so far off Broadway, it was in Pennsylvania, but it was still great, according to video evidence.) I did feel guilty, but at least I wasn't sick. Until Christmas Eve, when I got that tickle in the back of the throat: the one that tells you the germs are pitching their tents, like the little green guys in the annoying Mucinex commercials.

By Christmas morning my throat was on fire, and my voice was gone. My husband looked at my red eyes and asked what was wrong. I pointed to my throat and gestured. "You can't talk?" he asked. I nodded. Blue eyes twinkling, he responded, "It's a Christmas miracle!" This made me laugh, and then the coughing began.

He went out to get me the usual cold meds, including Mucinex. Do you know how expensive that stuff is? They must pay those green goblins SAG scale. I now believe that guilt causes excess phlegm. Furthermore, if you miss your great-niece's off-Broadway debut, you deserve whatever you get. I'm a former teacher, so you ought to believe me.

My voice is back, but I still sound like a donkey braying. My husband dutifully makes me tea, but I know he is disappointed that the Christmas miracle didn't work as well as the Hannukah one, which lasted for eight days. It will be a quiet New Year's at the Amerikaner house. But it usually is.

Woody Allen said the only cultural advantage to living in LA is being able to make a right turn on red. There is another one, even better: being able to watch the ball come down in Times Square at 9 p.m. Pacific Time, swallow your Mucinex and get into bed by 9:15.

Happy New Year! Stay safe and well!

Visions of Ice Skates Dance in My Head!

It happens to me every winter. I see the Christmas tree and the skating rink at Rockefeller Center on the Today Show. I stop eating my chocolate Chanukah coins. (And now they come in dark chocolate...full of antioxidants and fat.) I put on my pedometer and walk. I lose five pounds. Bingo. I am transformed. My brain tells me that I am really 23, graceful and born to skate. Surprisingly, I can ice skate. Sort of. I can stand in ice skates, I can walk to the concession stand in ice skates and get hot chocolate. I can skate forwards and not fall or bump into anybody. That's about it. In order for me to stop skating I literally have to skate into the wall. In life there's always a wall handy when you need to hit one.

Still, every year this time, like sugarplums (whatever they are), these crazy thoughts dance in my head. The local rink gives lessons, and isn't this the time for dreams to come true? I mean, look at Sasha Cohen. We have a lot something in common. We're Jewish.  

Fortunately, this is also the time of the year when our best friends gather round. I told my dear friend Sarina about my idea to take lessons. To her credit, she did not laugh or even mention the word osteoporosis. She simply noted that if I did learn more (such as how to stop without bashing into a wall), I would probably still spend most of my time skating around in a circle. Bingo. She got me. I am a klutz and would never do a single lutz! The fantasy faded, and I saw a more realistic vision of me on ice skates.

So here's to all your holiday fantasies and dreams. May the ones that won't leave you in traction come true. I wish for all of you the best gift of all...friends that hold you up when you need it most; friends that point you in the right direction; friends that keep you from skating around in circles. Friends that make you feel like this...

Bless my friends (and yes, Erik, that includes you) who lift me to my best self every day. I hope I return the amazing grace. Happy Holidays! Happy New Year!

Wi-Fi Detector Shirts?

I stay home with my computer, but the times are changin' for our texting, sexting, connecting kids. So I thought this Wi-Fi Detector Shirt was a groovy (OMG, that word really shows my age, doesn't it?) gift idea for a young guy with a laptop, places to go and things to do. Yes, Think Geek also has other cool gadgets. Does anybody really NEED this shirt? Of course not. But you gotta admit, a shirt that glows and displays the current Wi-Fi signal strength has a high "cool factor." And think how impressed your kid would be to discover that you even know what Wi-Fi is!

Now if they would only invent a shirt that finds the signal for your bank account and glows red to tell you to STOP when you're over your limit! Some people have innate spending detectors. My husband, for example. He often turns red when he shops with me. A shirt would be much more fun than a grumpy spouse. C'mon geeks. Invent a Debt Detector Shirt for next year!

What Does Barbie Tell Us?

Classic toys tell us a lot about our culture, but I'm not sure what. They reveal changes in the way we view childhood and in the way we look over our shoulder at our past. There have been volumes written about Barbie. I had the first one in 1959 seen here. No, it's not mine. I wish. If I had never taken her out of the box, I probably could have put my kids through graduate school. Who knew? When I got Barbie, I was ten years old. Now the major fans of Barbie dolls are two disparate groups: girls 2-4 years old. (Yes, two to four! Scary, huh?) However, 90% of Barbie lovers are women over the age of 40. Many of these grown-up girls will spend $1,000 a year and buy more than 20 Barbie dolls each year.

These are the kind of Barbie dolls that adults buy: Elvis and Priscilla in replicas of their actual wedding outfits. A Goldie Hawn Barbie from the "Laugh-In" days. A Joan Jett Barbie. A Cyndi Lauper Barbie is coming in 2010. Barbie's like the character in the Woody Allen movie "Zelig." She's been around. You can buy these from my link to Entertainment Earth, the same place you can buy Star Trek Tribbles and a life-size Captain Kirk "bridge chair."

I don't buy Barbie dolls, but I understand the appeal. To be honest, I do have a set of Beatle dolls that I got when I worked for a company that made licensed items. And I'm holding on to them. Ringo is missing his drums, but the moptops are in the original box, and maybe my future grandchildren can use them to fund college.

Do you buy replicas or save originals of nostalgic dolls? Please share in the comments!

What Will Your Kids Remember?

This is the time of year for creating new memories and savoring the ones we have.  We well up when we look back at poignant, emotional pictures of the past. Our most persistent memory of a loved one, however, is not always the one we expect. 

Sometimes we get stuck in a loop of  inconsequential or downright goofy moments in our family history. My late stepfather was a charming, erudite, brilliant dermatologist who could cure any itch, hive, wart or blackhead in Baltimore. At this time of year, when we go out to dinner with people for celebrations, I can never get out of my mind his after-dinner trick. He would fold a linen napkin into a woman's brassiere. It was always a crowd pleaser, and I could never figure out how he did it. I thought he took the secret to his grave. Then I saw this Napkin Origami book on Amazon and immediately took a look. It's a nice book, but alas, no bras: swans, seashells, ice cream cones--maybe things to haunt the memories of your progeny. Origami bras might not be you.

The same page on Amazon displayed the Toilet Paper Origami Book. This intrigued me. I read the comments. Apparently some people enjoy leaving little "toilegami" flowers in guest bathrooms or even in public restrooms. The world is such an amazing place. I never thought that a "random act of kindness" would involve toilet paper. If I walked into a stall in Target and found a toilet paper seagull, would I be pleasantly surprised or would I call security?

I was determined to uncover my stepfather's lost art. I googled "make napkin into bra" and found several videos. In case you want to entertain your friends and family, I suggest you watch the video below. Then practice, practice, practice. My late stepfather, Dr. Fred Glass, performed the napkin bra trick effortlessly with grace and style. Trust me. You never know what your kids are going to remember, so you'd better do everything with all the panache you've got.

How To Make A Bra Out Of A Dinner Napkin - Click here for more amazing videos

Diva Update:
It is pouring again in California, and my Fireplace DVD arrived. It takes no less than three remotes to start it going, but I love it. The crackling sounds, however, are driving my dog nuts...

Cozy Cabin Fever

In my last post I wrote that we have no weather here -- nothing but relentless sunshine. Naturally today it was pouring a gloppy California rain. All I wanted to do was snuggle up with a book by the fire. But we don't have a fireplace. As I browse catalogs, I realize that this fireplace fantasy is ubiquitous. Catalogs like Plow and Hearth abound with "cabin" tschotkes: dancing bear rugs, rustic lamps, full body bear pillows, freestanding electric fireplaces, etc. I don't quite get the bear angle. If I want to hug something big and hairy, I have my husband.

I do have scruples about excessive consumerism, really I do...but like Tiger Woods (what is it about the "woods" metaphors?), I must confess a transgression. Today, as a result of "cozy cabin fever," I bought something on Amazon that made my scruples stand on end, but even stiff scruples couldn't stop me. I ordered a Fireplace DVD to play on the big-screen TV, which is in the middle of our living room--where a fireplace would be if we had one. There you have it. I am guilty of stupid consumerism in the first degree. Sometimes a moth gets too close to the flame, and that's what happens to me with catalogs and online shopping. Meanwhile, the hot weather girl the meteorologist on Channel 9 says there will more rain at the end of the week. I can't wait for my crackling HD DVD to arrive! If Erik complains, I will simply point out how lucky he is that we don't have room for the freestanding electric fireplace. (Those start at $399 and go up to $999.) The DVD was only $15, so I really saved us a ton, hon.

The Perfect Anniversary Gift

I've been pondering what to get my husband Erik for our 30th anniversary. He loves gadgets, as long as they aren't extravagant. He teaches technology. The most important lesson he has ever taught me about computers is this: when your computer goes nuts, just turn it off, unplug it -- and go have a cup of coffee. Then try it again. This bit of advice works 99.9% of the time. The rest of the time it's handy to sleep with the tech guy.

What to get him? We can't afford an iPhone. Then serendipity gave me a clue. I walked into the living room where he was watching the news and starting flapping my lips as usual. Erik didn't take his eyes off the screen; just stretched out his arm and held up his palm in a serious "STOP" gesture. "Shhh," he said, "I'm listening to the weather." This happened several weeknights in a row. Eureka! One of those sleek wireless weather stations. Under $50. That's it!

I was about to go online and order it, but something was gnawing at me. It was the fact that we live in Ventura, California, and we really don't have weather. We have glorious, relentless sunshine--day in, day out. Temperatures span the whole gamut from 60-70 degrees. So the next time the "Shush" arm came out, I decided to sit down and watch the weather, too. After all, I grew up in Baltimore where watching weather was important. It changed every ten minutes and had tremendous consequences on how my hair would look. It is vital for a woman to know the weather, particularly when humidity is involved. As I looked at the screen, I realized I would have to rethink the gift. Below is a video of our Channel 9 local weather. You don't have to watch long to get the picture. 



If you have trouble viewing, search for Jackie Johnson, "hot weather girl," on YouTube. I googled her, and would you believe that in college she actually majored in meteorology but switched to broadcasting? Good move, Jackie.

I still don't know what to get for Erik. A boob job? Nah. Maybe just keeping quiet while he watches the weather is enough of a gift. Yeah, he'll appreciate that. You don't stay married for 30 years without knowing when to shut up.

Who Let the Dogs Out & Where Did They Go?

Ever wonder what your pet does all day? Do you have a frisky feline or a cavorting canine? Solutions once again comes to the rescue. For $49.95 it offers the Pet's Eye View Camera--a digital camera that clips to your pet's collar so you can literally follow its tracks. And you can download these photos to your computer so you can send them out like a real "puparazzi." If only Mrs. Wood's had clipped one to her pet Tiger...

Actually, I love photo gifts, because I think that captured moments of life are the most valuable items you can ever own. When asked what material goods they would take if they have to evacuate their homes in an emergency, people always answer: PHOTOS. I really like this personalized Rubik's Cube (about $29) as a gift, but you'll have to hustle if you want one for the holidays. There are several catalog and online companies that have it. This one is from The Personalization Mall. You need to upload photos from your computer, and close-ups work best. This photo puzzler is sweet--and it even forces the recipient to exercise brain power and eye-hand coordination. (You can take me out of the classroom, but you can't take the classroom out of me!) 

Another find in the Solutions Catalog that had me laughing was this unique Doggie Fetch Toy. The catalog calls this item (#86094) a "Humunga Stache." You throw it, and the dog grabs it by the ball side and thus ends up looking like Inspector Clousseau. Imagine if the dog was also wearing the Pet's Eye View Camera to get reaction shots?! Woof!

Have you found some great pet gifts? Please share them in the Comments!