A Christmas Miracle

I am not a big vitamin person, but I am superstitious, so I buy Airborne and take it whenever I fly. Why not? It was invented by a teacher. I never understood the logic in advertising this fact. When I was a teacher, I was sick constantly. The only immunity was a snow day. The only chemistry I found useful was the peanut butter solution: i.e., a large glob of peanut butter will remove a large glob of gum from a student's hair. Still I take Airborne when I fly and still inevitably get sick as soon as I arrive at home. (Maybe it only works on outbound flights. They should do a study.)

This holiday season I was going to visit my sister in Baltimore, but I decided that with the H1N1 stuff, I would stay in sunny CA. I missed my sister's birthday and seeing my great-niece in a terrific off-Broadway production of Annie. (It was so far off Broadway, it was in Pennsylvania, but it was still great, according to video evidence.) I did feel guilty, but at least I wasn't sick. Until Christmas Eve, when I got that tickle in the back of the throat: the one that tells you the germs are pitching their tents, like the little green guys in the annoying Mucinex commercials.

By Christmas morning my throat was on fire, and my voice was gone. My husband looked at my red eyes and asked what was wrong. I pointed to my throat and gestured. "You can't talk?" he asked. I nodded. Blue eyes twinkling, he responded, "It's a Christmas miracle!" This made me laugh, and then the coughing began.

He went out to get me the usual cold meds, including Mucinex. Do you know how expensive that stuff is? They must pay those green goblins SAG scale. I now believe that guilt causes excess phlegm. Furthermore, if you miss your great-niece's off-Broadway debut, you deserve whatever you get. I'm a former teacher, so you ought to believe me.

My voice is back, but I still sound like a donkey braying. My husband dutifully makes me tea, but I know he is disappointed that the Christmas miracle didn't work as well as the Hannukah one, which lasted for eight days. It will be a quiet New Year's at the Amerikaner house. But it usually is.

Woody Allen said the only cultural advantage to living in LA is being able to make a right turn on red. There is another one, even better: being able to watch the ball come down in Times Square at 9 p.m. Pacific Time, swallow your Mucinex and get into bed by 9:15.

Happy New Year! Stay safe and well!