Not Easy Buying Green

Not only isn't it easy, it's expensive to be green. Although my husband insists dirt is dirt, true gardeners know this isn't so. You need compost--rich stuff full of decaying matter and earthworms and earthworm poop to make your garden grow. My green friends have discreet kitchen compost pails on their granite counter tops. To these they add their banana peels, egg shells, coffee grinds, and other food scraps. When it's full they dump that into the big Kahuna composter outside. It gets heated, turned, worms appear and eventually, you have transformed your leftovers into compost that makes your soil more fertile than OctoMom.

Worms are the creative core of compost. I have tried everything to attract them to my garden. Just like my dog knows I am not the alpha, worms know I am not a natural born greenie. Remember how the Tribbles went nuts when they got close to a Klingon? That's what happens when worms get near me. I have tried buying boxes of them, digging holes and covering them up, but they always worm out of it. Sometimes I think I can even hear them laughing as they tunnel to the neighbor's verdant plot; little teeny worm snorts. Living in a townhouse gives no room for an outside contraption. So I resort to buying bags of compost from Home Depot.

Tonight in my Gardener's Supply Company catalog, I saw the ANSWER: an Electric Composter that makes the goods for you. Just throw in the scraps. It does it all: the heating, the turning. No odor. You can even keep it inside. $349. If I can't afford it (and I certainly can't), I always think it's great. Then I went to the website and looked up the customer feedback. Not good. 4 of 5 reviews basically said that the electric composter stinks--in all senses of the word.

This is the yin and yang of shopping online. You can get honest reviews, but sometimes they are dream-killers. I mean, look at that photo. So seductive. I instantly saw myself simply scraping my dinner plates into this petite poop-producing powerhouse. By dessert I would have an endless supply of black garden gold.

Alas, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. This old saying rang in my ears as I re-read the harsh reviews from the suckers people who had actually bought this mechanical marvel. Once again proverbial wisdom and a little research saved me from buying or recommending something stupid.

However, all is not lost. My Wireless Catalog arrived, and it has the perfect gift for wanna-be greenies like me: a nifty reusable grocery bag for only $12.95. Made of 80% recycled plastic bottles, this literally green bag is decorated with a pastoral scene. But like the best of the Wireless items, it also puts you in your place with humor. It is imprinted with a large flow chart that says: BUY REUSABLE BAG...Pat yourself on the back for your good intentions...FORGET REUSABLE BAG IN CAR...REPEAT...Tomorrow's another day to save the planet.

Then as I was about to publish this post, I made the dire mistake of watching the news. Obama's on his way to Asia, the country is hemmoraging jobs, etcetera. I went back and did more research. I discovered that there are several websites that direct you to companies whose products are made in America. Wow. Could I get credit for a double mitzvah (good deed) by promoting American employment and doing a small thing to save the planet?

What do you know? I did find a company that makes reusuable bags here. It's called SexyOldBag.com. They make bags (in two sizes) out of stretchy material that expands to fits tons of groceries and stuff. And they are washable! The bags are $3.99 and $4.99. Shipping is $4.95 for 1-4 bags. One "sexy" testamonial said a jumbo bag could fit an entire 24-pack of mega rolls of toilet paper plus more while still allowing you to hold the handles together.Take that, you flat-bottomed, non-expandable, made-in-China bags! Yeah, there is irony in cutting down trees for Charmin while trying to save them with reusable bags, but irony is us.

This sets up a new Diva poll. Should I try to find more American made items to include in my picks and pans?

You vote while I go look for the laughing worms.