Catalogs Anonymous

So here I stand (sit, actually). I have confessed to my somewhat addictive behavior of browsing through catalogs. I had hoped that by writing about the stuff instead of buying it, I could be redeemed from the sin of excessive consumerism. Herein lies the rub. It is difficult for me to gaze upon this endless parade of goodies and not buy. Like any addict, I slip. I need a 12-step program for catalogaholics! This blog is meant to push me to write philosophical and/or witty musings inspired by the products; not to plug (or unplug) the products. But I guess that's like writing about love when you've never been kissed.

Last week I bought something from Carol Wright Gifts because, well, even my skeptical and frugal husband said, "Hey, that would be great for my ride to school!" I wish I could tell you that the fact that we agree on decaf has kept our marriage together, but all I can say with honesty is that it looks like a great gadget: a stainless steel car mug that plugs into the car cigarette lighter to keep your drink hot while your drive. $5.99! Will it work for more than a day, a week, a month or even last a year? If anybody asked you that when you got married, you wouldn't buy into that either. The mug hasn't arrived yet, but I'll let you know when it does and if it works.

Last year I bought an Absorbent Soap Dish from the Vermont Country Store. This soap dish "absorbs excess moisture and soap residue so the soap remains clean, dry, and lasts longer. No more gooey bars of soap." And guess what? It works! I am a bar soap person, but surely I could live with some gooey-ness in my life. Nevertheless I bought it for $7.99, and I mention it so you have some idea of the depth of my "catalog problem."

The question is this: do you think I will be able to write this blog without going broke? Being optimistic, let's say I am still writing several times a week for six months. In that much time, how much money do you think I will spend? I include a poll to check your opinions. My intention is to spend less than zero, but signs are not good. That's what it says on the Magic Eight Ball, which is available in several catalogs featuring classic toys...

Kitschy Christmas

I come from a shopping family. Acquisition of useless but adorable objects was our regular group activity. Alas, these days I have scruples regarding excessive consumerism. In fact I have far more scruples than dollars. The urge, however, remains. But I control it by reading catalogs. I can't get enough of them. They act like a nicotine patch for my wallet. My guilty pleasure is to lie in bed and browse them. No matter how overpriced or ridiculous the stuff is, I always seem to find at least one item that's a "keeper" - something that makes me say, "Hey, that is a good idea!" So I turn down the corner of the page, toss the catalog beside the bed and say to myself, "Tomorrow I'll go online and order that." But you know how morning afters are. What was I thinking? I almost always scoop up the catalogs and throw them in the recycling bin.

Here's an example of a typical, if temporary, keeper. Imagine a red plastic figure named Al. You put Al in a pot of spaghetti and after exactly 7 minutes, when the pasta is "Al Dente," he will play 30 seconds of an aria from Aida. "No more guessing or tasting a hot noodle!" boasts the copywriter for the "Al Dente Pasta Timer" at Solutions.com. Great idea, right? But would you pay $30 plus shipping, handling and tax for Al? Like other guys who are hot the night before, Al leaves me cold in the morning.

Sure, I read the classy catalogs like Wireless and Frontgate, but my favorites are the corny, kitschy catalogs like Miles Kimball or Harriet Carter. This week I found a Carter classic: page 70, the "Merry Christmas from Heaven Ornament." This tree ornament has a place for a photo of a departed loved one and is inscribed with this poem:

I love you all dearly.

Now don't shed a tear.

I'm spending my Christmas

with Jesus this year.

Christmas ornaments from dead people! Brilliant. This bit of holiday cheer from HarrietCarter.com started me thinking about creating ornaments or holiday cards for those we care about--but in different ways. How about one for an ex-husband? Stick in a terrible photo and engrave this verse:

Merry Christmas to my EX.

So glad that you're not here,

'Cause I've spent the alimony

On my new boyfriend this year.

What about a holiday card for that freeloading relative?

Every holiday you come knocking.

You never bring nuttin',

Not even a stocking.

You eat all the dip,

Drop your towels on the floor.

And your slutty wife is such a bore.

It's like sticking our heads inside a noose;

We've had enough of this abuse.

This year you'll find the keys beneath the mat.

We got a kennel to board the cat.

Blow up the Aero bed with your mouth.

We booked a cruise and headed south!

In the comments, please send me your own unique holiday greeting ideas. Look out, Hallmark!