Kitschy Christmas

I come from a shopping family. Acquisition of useless but adorable objects was our regular group activity. Alas, these days I have scruples regarding excessive consumerism. In fact I have far more scruples than dollars. The urge, however, remains. But I control it by reading catalogs. I can't get enough of them. They act like a nicotine patch for my wallet. My guilty pleasure is to lie in bed and browse them. No matter how overpriced or ridiculous the stuff is, I always seem to find at least one item that's a "keeper" - something that makes me say, "Hey, that is a good idea!" So I turn down the corner of the page, toss the catalog beside the bed and say to myself, "Tomorrow I'll go online and order that." But you know how morning afters are. What was I thinking? I almost always scoop up the catalogs and throw them in the recycling bin.

Here's an example of a typical, if temporary, keeper. Imagine a red plastic figure named Al. You put Al in a pot of spaghetti and after exactly 7 minutes, when the pasta is "Al Dente," he will play 30 seconds of an aria from Aida. "No more guessing or tasting a hot noodle!" boasts the copywriter for the "Al Dente Pasta Timer" at Solutions.com. Great idea, right? But would you pay $30 plus shipping, handling and tax for Al? Like other guys who are hot the night before, Al leaves me cold in the morning.

Sure, I read the classy catalogs like Wireless and Frontgate, but my favorites are the corny, kitschy catalogs like Miles Kimball or Harriet Carter. This week I found a Carter classic: page 70, the "Merry Christmas from Heaven Ornament." This tree ornament has a place for a photo of a departed loved one and is inscribed with this poem:

I love you all dearly.

Now don't shed a tear.

I'm spending my Christmas

with Jesus this year.

Christmas ornaments from dead people! Brilliant. This bit of holiday cheer from HarrietCarter.com started me thinking about creating ornaments or holiday cards for those we care about--but in different ways. How about one for an ex-husband? Stick in a terrible photo and engrave this verse:

Merry Christmas to my EX.

So glad that you're not here,

'Cause I've spent the alimony

On my new boyfriend this year.

What about a holiday card for that freeloading relative?

Every holiday you come knocking.

You never bring nuttin',

Not even a stocking.

You eat all the dip,

Drop your towels on the floor.

And your slutty wife is such a bore.

It's like sticking our heads inside a noose;

We've had enough of this abuse.

This year you'll find the keys beneath the mat.

We got a kennel to board the cat.

Blow up the Aero bed with your mouth.

We booked a cruise and headed south!

In the comments, please send me your own unique holiday greeting ideas. Look out, Hallmark!