Intestinal Fortitude

It's been a while since I actually used a catalog item for an article. But the latest Solutions Catalog inspired me. When I began my television writing career years ago, my mentor told me two things to remember: chicken singing is always funny and don't tell fart jokes. Chicken singing is still funny. And fart jokes? They used to be for fourth graders, but since just about everything on TV or the movies is now at a fourth grade level, fart references abound. And let's face it: farts sound funny--especially when they come from someone else. Laughing at your own farts takes steely self-confidence. And when you do laugh at them, it usually makes you fart more--like a gassy "laugh track" to your own joke.

Back to Solutions. Page 51 of the current catalog has a new product called SUBTLE BUTT: disposable gas neutralizers. These are described as "antimicrobial pads" to stick to your underwear ("even thongs")...and neutralize the odor of gas with an "activated carbon layer," thereby sparing you embarrassment.

First off, I don't believe that women who wear thongs ever fart. They don't eat enough. (And if they do, they probably shouldn't be wearing thongs.) Second, five of these disposable pads cost $9.95. Whew! Better save them for a meeting in the Oval Office. Third, although I admit odor can be a problem, this does not solve my fart issue. It's not that I think my farts don't stink. They sometimes do, but I find this easy to get away with--because the truth is...nobody really knows who did it...right? Everyone is a suspect.

One of the foibles of aging is lack of control of the muscles that we used to be able to discreetly "squeeze." I mean, who farted when you were on a date in your 20's? You could hold it in for days, right? There must be sphincter exercises you can do like Kegels, but those never worked for me either.

It isn't the smell that's my nemesis--it's the noise! I don't need disposable odor neutralizers: I need a rear muffler! I already thought of a great name for them: Tush Shssssh. All I need is an inventor and some venture capital. If you think this is a good idea, and you have some money, please contact me immediately. Farts may be funny, but they could be a serious business! Who's with me?