Are you CAUTIOUS?

Okay, I admit it. My husband and I eat our heart-healthy dinners in the kitchen in front of Katie Couric or Brian Williams. This puts us in the demographic of old farts who still get their news on TV instead of Twitter. The advertisers know us. That's why the ads are for medications to make bladders behave, control cholesterol, relax restless legs, and my favorite: decide to have sex while sitting in those footed bathtubs looking out over a field. It is obvious that the people writing these ads are not our age. Otherwise they would realize that even if you did manage to get into those bathtubs, you'd never be able to get out.

We try to hit MUTE when the ads come on, but sometimes we can't find the remote in time. So we get stuck listening not only to the advertisement, but to the possible side effect warnings. They are hilarious! This is all part of what my husband calls the "Lawyers' Full Employment Act."

But of all the ludicrous caveats, the one that really gets me is the one that says you should "use caution when performing unsafe acts."

Is it me--or isn't this some kind of oxymoron (moron being the key word here...)? Doesn't performing an unsafe act preclude caution from the get-go?

What do they mean? Don't try to get out of those bathtubs without a paramedic present? Don't swing from chandeliers without a safety net below? Don't go grocery shopping without wiping the cart with one of those hand sanitizer wipes?

I guess which unsafe acts you should use caution performing is a personal thing.

For Larry King, it could be: don't drop your suspenders for your wife's sister without a prenup. For BP, it's: don't drill for oil unless you have a better plan for stopping a leak than stuffing the hole with golf balls. You get the idea. I guess for me and Erik it's: don't eat broccoli without taking Beano first. When you fart instead of Twitter, I guess you know you are in the correct network news demographic.